Acts of Selfishness Which Haunt Us

   When I was young, shoe stores were staffed with employees who knew a great deal about feet. They would measure your foot in a metal device for length, width and shape and then search knowledgeably for shoes that fit you correctly.  Both the shoe store staff and my doctor told my parents that I should wear 'corrective' shoes.  Now these were not only extremely expensive for that time, but they were also ugly to my young eyes (probably to anyone's eyes). My parents sacrificed from their meager income to purchase these for me, but I refused to wear them. They languished in my closet until I outgrew them.
   Years later, when I was in fifth grade, I saw a beautiful, again very expensive, dress in a department store. My parents had to be very frugal about clothing purchases, so we normally shopped once a year, before the new school year started, and bought very practical clothes (darker colors which wouldn't get dirty easily and which would be interchangeable with other items). For my birthday, they surprised me with the much too expensive dress and gave it to me early so I could wear it to a school concert in which I was singing a solo and playing a viola piece. They were so excited to give me this gift.  I decided not to wear it to the concert.  True.
   These acts of selfishness on my part have haunted me through the decades.  I know there were countless more, but these are the two that stand out like 8 x 10 photographs in living color in my mind. Why, I asked myself recently, compared to all the 'big sins' I've committed and asked and received forgiveness for in my life, has Satan so successfully tormented me with these? I've been able to receive forgiveness for, and let go of, so many grievous thoughts and actions, yet not these.
   I realized this morning that one reason is because they hurt people I loved so very dearly.  Like the time I didn't take enough action when my child was being bullied at school, these sins, 'done and left undone' were to the detriment of people for whom I would give my life. But if Yeshua's agony and death to cover my sins is enough...and His redemptive power is as great as I truly believe it is, why am I letting the Accuser torment me....so that I periodically relive these events as if they were
yesterday?
   In my June 14 post, I quoted Beth Moore's book, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, in which she stated that we often serve as assistant Prosecutor for our own case, rather than for our Defense Attorney, Yeshua.  He's also the One Who went to prison for us and took our death sentence. He doesn't want us to live in torment over our past*. However, there may be other reasons why you and I are unable to let go of some sin in our past. We might never have treated it as such. Some actions or attitudes appear so small in our eyes that we have never confessed them as sin. Yet they still loom large in our memory. Take time to stop and confess these to the Lord.  He already knows about them, but we need to overtly ask His forgiveness for them and hear Him say, "You are forgiven, Child."  Only then can we refute the Accuser with confidence and be set free from the recurring burning of hurtful memories. Whether we were the sinner or the recipient of such sin, we can be set free:  one by asking for forgiveness and the other by offering it to others.
   Either way, when the tape begins to play once again, we can stop, rewind, and record over the
memory...seeing God's hand and perspective over the event, affirming who we now are, Who He is, What He has done, and what He is doing even now to redeem, restore, and renew.

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*"Satan hates to hear our testimonies of God's redemption so much that if you will keep reframing it with God's truth every time the devil accuses you, he will stop. Oh beloved, let's cease cooperating with the enemy and start cooperating with our faithful God. He hates to se us in torment. How needless is an agonizing conscience when we've turned from sin.  Too often we refuse to believe the cross is strong enough to cleanse our consciences."  --Beth Moore